Meet Your New Anti-Resolutions

The New Year’s resolution. Such a noble endeavor. A solemn vow taken for the betterment of oneself, and by association, the rest of humanity.

Then again, it’s also a pretty good way to consider all of the things you really would hate to deprive yourself of—eating, drinking, competitive-skydiving-while-online-gambling—and then do the exact opposite.

So with that, we present to you this year’s Anti-Resolutions: a few simple, honest ways to give in to human nature and embrace your desires with a giant bear hug instead of doing what you’re “supposed” to do this time of year. Instead of abstaining from ice cream, you’re going to eat a three-gallon bucket of the finest ice cream in Boston. Instead of learning to travel on a budget, you’ll stay at the largest and most opulent suite on the planet. And instead of driving at what scientists call “a safe speed,” you’ll commandeer a fleet of Ferraris on a whim.

But before we dive into your new goals, remember this: some people out there are going to raise a brow. They’re going to tell you that doing these things is no way to be a responsible human. To them, we pose a simple question: what separates us from the rest of the animals if not our ability to infuse beer with donuts?

“What separates us from the rest of the animals if not our ability to infuse beer with donuts?”

A few simple, honest ways to give in to human nature and embrace your desires with a giant bear hug instead of doing what you’re “supposed” to do.

Sure, you could resolve to “eat cleaner” in 2014. Or you could realize that there are these things called donuts, and these other things called truffles, and that they’re both delicious but have yet to meet one another—until now.

Being more efficient with your workouts: not a bad way to go through life. But that would probably mean you wouldn’t commission Joe Montana for a day’s worth of play-designing and skill drills. Which, in a way, would mean you’re not really existing right.

Learning to be a frugal traveler is great and all, but so is staying in a palatial waterfront hotel room that comes with bulletproof doors, a private elevator, a grand piano and a library. We’ll let you decide which one is greater, though.

Being a more... interesting car owner. That’s not a bad goal for 2014. Especially since there’s this membership program that puts a fleet of Ferraris and Maseratis at your 24/7 beck and call in Miami whenever you need a ride. Or just feel like holding the most lavish car wash party ever.

They say everything’s bigger in Texas. What they don’t say: that in Texas you can get an entire day’s worth of massages and scrubs along with soaking in a lime-infused hot water “margarita bath.” They should probably start saying that.

Three gallons. 384 ounces. 96 regulation-size scoops. That’s how much ice cream you’ll have to tackle to tame the largest possible serving from Boston’s Toscanini’s Ice Cream—named “Best Ice Cream in the World” by The New York Times. You’re gonna need a bigger spoon.

A long time ago, an artist named John Singer Sargent sketched a rather iconic sketch for the Boston Museum of Art. And now, for the price of a new luxury sedan, it can be yours. And you can finally cross off that “leave no wall uncovered” goal you’ve been after for years.

Nutella donut beer. Oreo donut beer. Apple cider donut beer. If these things seem like crazy inventions from a donut beer utopia of the future, you’re right. Because they’ll be in a few bars in DC in 2014. Needless to say, this probably isn’t the year to give up donut beers.

Some people call caviar an indulgence. Others call it an appetizer. We have no idea what you’ll call this 90-gram heap of top-shelf caviar from LA’s Mari Vanna, but we’re pretty sure you won’t want to share...

Living modestly. There’s an art to it. But hey, there’s also an “apartment” on the market in NYC that includes an indoor swimming pool, tennis courts, an IMAX cinema, a wine cellar, a full spa and a card room. Great if you subscribe to the “take moderation in moderation” school of thought.



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